Chitchat and the occasional in-depth analysis about fiber, knitting, spinning, crochet, cooking, feminism, self-image, and a modicum of personal blathering.

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Thursday, December 06, 2012

Santa week

This is santa week at our house, the week when all the stuff I ordered for gifts begins to arrive on our doorstep. As usual, I fear I haven't bought enough, or that I've forgotten someone. And always, I have to struggle to find room in everyone's stockings, and usually leave an auxiliary stocking pile beside it.

Week after next weekend is baking at my mom's. My cousin Jessica and I have been doing the big baking, the italian nut rolls and cookies and honey balls. My mom makes a few dozen other cookies. It's a lot of work but totally worth it.

Even though I'm an atheist, I love this time of year and get excited about giving out presents. This year will be nicer than last year because I've been able to get gifts for both of my kids. Last year I was trying to figure out if I was ever going to see my older daughter again.

We had lunch today, it was nice. She needs a camera to take pictures of her paintings so I gave her my DSLR. I haven't been using it as much as I want due to lack of opportunity. For the meantime I'll use my phone. I had this fantasy of someday making a living or a name for myself through photography. I love taking pictures and trying to show other people how I see the world. But while I do have talent, I don't have knowledge or craftsmanship to become a "real" photographer. I'm trying to let go of things that aren't serving me mentally and that's one of them. I get stuck between making myself miserable lamenting the things I wanted to do with my life and trying to move forward and enjoy what is real and doable here and now. I will admit though that handing over that camera hurt. I'll get it back someday though and I am happy it will be getting use helping someone I love do what they want and need to do.

A lifelong problem for me is a lack of sticktuitiveness. I have talents. Photography, music, writing. What I don't have, in any of those things, is education, but more importantly I also don't have dedication, the ability to apply myself, the drive to practice and practice and practice and just get up every damn day and do it. Maybe I've had ADD or something all my life, I don't know. Maybe I'm just lazy and unmotivated. At my age, it doesn't much matter. I need to find peace with who I am and where my life is now, not lament what it could have been.

I had a nice glass of beaujolais with dinner, a ham sandwich, chips, and some leftover cole slaw. Bob is at a Beatles thing at a local radio station. I really liked the wine. It was mercifully uncomplicated. I will be drinking more of this in the future.

Higgs has his operation tomorrow, so keep a happy thought for my good boy that he comes through it safe and sound.
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Oh, I finished the rainbow scarf.
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