No cure for the summertime blues

My world seems so small lately. Life is going by on the outside, while I stand still trying to grab at little pieces as they fly past. I'm not fast enough.

The dreams continue. I wake up with a glimmer of hope that quickly fades. I see small black cars or dark-haired young women on bicycles and I hope for a moment that it's her, that's she's going to come up to me and give me a hug and everything will once again be ok. I feel foolish. But from time to time I daydream that my daughter is back in my life and we're laughing together or having lunch or she's asking me for advice, something she never did much of anyway. Then I snap back into reality.

It's bittersweet because having my younger daughter living here with us is very much a good thing. We enjoy her company and she is a motivating force on me. But I miss her sister so very, very much.

Recently, a friend from work, a young woman, lost her husband. I don't know the circumstances, just that one day he was alive, and the next day he was dead. I can't imagine what that must feel like, but it fills my heart with sadness and with longing for those I love and for one I fear I have lost forever. Any moment, things could change. You could go on a wonderful vacation for your anniversary, and be a widow the next week. How are such things possible? You must treasure what you have every moment because it could end, any moment.

So I keep hoping, because it's all I know how to do. I've always hoped, even when all logic defied it. I've almost always been disappointed in the result, but that doesn't change my nature. I will keep noticing slight dark haired women on bicycles and shadowy profiles in small black cars and I will keep dissolving into daydream, because for now, that's all I've got.

Been a long time since I did the stroll

Buttercupia has been a busy place lately. So not much blogging.

The craft related things have slowed down due to busy times. My younger daughter has moved back home to PA and into our house while she gets her future sorted out. It's nice to have her here, both local and in the house, she's a good person and does a lot to help me out. In lieu of rent, she claims, but I think she'd do it anyway.

She brought her classroom bunnies with her.



The upward extension happened since they arrived, it's really quite awesome for them.

We're bringing in vegetables.



No photos of the three large zucchini we've brought in and eaten voraciously so far. More to come I am sure. The eggplant, green beans, and onions are a washout but the tomatoes, zukes, and bell peppers are doing well. Part of the problem is the zucchini is just taking over the whole plot.

I spun all Corgi Hill Farm fiber for the Tour de Fleece.



From the top left, 917 yards Merino/Bombyx silk, 725 yards BFL/Tussah silk, 825 yards Polwarth.

I ended up winning a prize, from Anna Marie at Corgi Hill, three gorgeous braids of fiber from her shop.



I was surprised and delighted to win. And such a generous prize! Really amazing.

As always, I enjoyed the tour and the personal challenges I set for myself. It's been too hot to knit so I'd have been spinning anyway, maybe just not in that quantity, considering there was a lot going on at the same time what with Anna (my daughter) moving back in.

This is one of the things she has done so far.



The whole hillside was previously choked with weeds and overgrown grass. We even went out and got a new weed whacker so we can keep up with it now. It looks so nice!

I have still not heard anything from older daughter, other than a second hand hello, which I suppose is better than nothing at all. I miss her so much, and my heart is still broken that she is not in my life at present. I hope beyond hope that I'll see her soon.

We got a new bed. It has been life-changing.



It's a Serta "iComfort" memory foam bed. It sleeps cool because it has a gel component to the foam. I can't tell you what a difference it makes to sleep soundly and without waking up every hour or so because something hurts or has fallen asleep or is cramping up. We've only had it a little over a week but it's wonderful so far. And it has a 25 year warranty, 15 of which is for full replacement.

And Figment loves it.



Lily got a new bed, too.



She was unsure about it at first but lately she just curls up in it and sacks out. We got it for her because we took the carpet out of our room prior to getting the bed-good move, because it was disgusting and full of dust and animal hair. That alone is, I believe, part of why we're sleeping better, along with the cushy luxury of the new bed.

Biscuit is happy to have his mom home, I think.



Finally, I got some more old photos scanned but not nearly close to all yet. My favorite of this batch is this one.



Probably why my older daughter is not speaking to me. Instead of preventing her from closing her fingers in the door, I just kept taking pictures.

Homemade Immersion Blender Mayonnaise

To make delicious fresh homemade mayonnaise with your immersion blender, you will need the following-

One egg, cage free organic and as fresh as possible
One tablespoon fresh or high-quality bottled lemon juice
One teaspoon (or slightly more to taste) white vinegar
Half teaspoon (or slightly more to taste) dijon mustard
Salt to taste
less than 1/4 cup olive oil
About a cup of vegetable, sunflower, or other oil that has very little taste by itself
A tall glass or good plastic container that is a little bigger around the bottom than your immersion blender. (Mine had such a container included, with measurements on it. Very convenient.)

Very important-everything must be at room temperature!

Break the whole egg into the container. Add the lemon, vinegar, olive oil, and mustard. Add about 1/4 cup olive oil, or until your container measures 1/2 cup.

Add 1 cup light oil.

Carefully place the blender into the container, all the way to the bottom. Turn it on for ten seconds, not moving it at all. After ten seconds have passed, move the blender slowly up and down in the container until mayo is completely blended. Don't over-blend! Add salt, more lemon or vinegar, or mustard to taste. Cover and refrigerate. Lasts a week or two if you keep it refrigerated.

Yields about a cup and a half of the best mayonnaise you've ever had. Seriously, you'll never buy it in a store again.

You can use white balsamic vinegar in place of regular white if you like it a little snappier. Blend with a higher proportion of olive oil for more flavor. Add garlic, herbs, chilies, whatever you want for that gourmet aioli experience you keep reading about. It's awesome, try it. Mayo's not scary to make if you have an immersion blender and a source for good fresh farm eggs!

But I guess I'm already there

Midsummer already. Where does the time go?

Not a lot going on here. Younger daughter is considering moving back to the area, which I would love, but is not decided yet. I'm trying not to freak out and become psychomom about it but I really miss her and I truly believe she has a thousand times more opportunity here than in Tennessee. Plus, Tennessee is getting really scary lately with the whole war on women thing.

Anyway, in my opinion, home is always better.



Although where would I be if Bob thought that way?

Speaking of Bob, our garden is doing well.





The zucchini is already about four times bigger than that photo.

I finished the May Mystery shawl.



The beads look nice, I think.





One huge difference I've noticed this year with the rain then the heat, is our flowers are going completely wild growing out of control. Especially the roses.



Four huge blooms at once on the "Love and Peace" rose, which usually only gets one bloom at a time.



The daylilies are going to be prodigious this year too. Sadly, the weeds are most prodigious of all.

Bob and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary last weekend. He gave me a lovely bracelet with amethyst and silver. I didn't get him anything because I opted to be incredibly selfish and buy myself a Nook e-reader that I'd been saving up for. I did buy a lot of really nice groceries, so I wasn't totally selfish. I really never know what to get him, though. I feel more and more guilty about it as time goes on, which accomplishes exactly nothing.

The weekend prior to our anniversary, we went out on a Groupon date. I had purchased two tickets for the price of one on a Gateway Clipper cruse, a discount for dinner at an Indian restaurant, and discounted frozen yogurt. It was a decent cheap date. The Indian food was not so great and the service was even worse. But the cruise was awesome as was the yogurt, so it worked out.



These little girls were just too adorable.


The perspective of the city from on the water is always interesting.









This giant herd of catfish hangs out under the "No Fishing" sign at the Gateway Clipper dock, begging for popcorn and being more social than I've ever seen fish being.



Literally begging.


So that was a nice day.

In medical news, I finally got my support stockings so I can wrap up the bad leg in compression and stop the damage to my skin and stuff. I got them Friday, after three full days I can already see a considerable difference. I should never have waited so long. It feels so much better. And since I don't give a shit what it looks like, the only thing I won't wear it with is shorter dresses.

Also, I got put on low dose progesterone to try to regulate some of the unpleasant menopausal type things that I've been experiencing. No results yet on that but it hasn't been a week so we shall see.

All in all, things are ok. Not awesome, but not horrible. We're surviving. Bob is working way too hard, I'm stressed out over the coming Mensa RG, but all in all, we're ok, and sometimes that's all you can ask for.

Edited to add-last week, I got my 75,000th blog visitor. Said visitor was from Loveland, Colorado, and arrived via the Daily Knitter website, checking out my scrappy mitts with flounce pattern. Happy Knitting, knitter from Loveland! And thanks to my small but mighty readership for putting up with me.

Followup

Today, this arrived in my inbox.

Dear J,

Thank you for your comments regarding the Hornitos® Tequila television commercial.

While this commercial went through a multi-stage review process and was tested extensively with male and female consumers prior to launch, we acknowledge your concerns and want you to know that Hornitos Tequila is removing the advertisement from our media buy.

Throughout the ad’s creative development, we were in no way suggesting or condoning any kind of inappropriate or illegal behavior.

We thank you again for taking the time to contact us and certainly value your feedback.

Sincerely,

Paula K. Erickson

Vice President, Global Communications & Public Relations

You could have knocked me over with a feather. Way to go, Sauza, and thank you.

Happier Days

05302011_81, a photo by mensabuttercup on Flickr.

I miss this little girl so much. I miss her even though I know she's way bigger than this now. I miss her even though she's all grown up with her own concerns and her own problems to solve and her own life to live. I'm beginning to lose hope that we'll ever be part of each others' lives again. I want to tell her it's all okay, that I don't want there to be this space between us any more, that whatever it is, we'll work it out.

I just miss her and want to help her, or just to talk to her. Or just to give her a hug, if she needs one.

Speaking up

This commercial airing on Versus during the Stanley Cup Playoffs makes me feel sick to my stomach.

http://www.commercialpedia.com/2011/04/hornitos-tequila-brotherly-love.html

Essentially, the twin brother is all set to rape his brother's girlfriend. This is seen as a good thing.

I sent the following to Sauza on their "contact us" link.
http://dev.wearepixel.com/sauzatequila/contact.html

"Your advertisement for Hornitos tequila condoning rape (the twin brothers ad) has convinced me that I will never buy another product manufactured by Sauza. It's a shame, because you all make some very good tequila, but the implication that this man can rape his brother's girlfriend (she can't consent, because she thinks he is someone else, lack of consent equals rape) is so incredibly repellent that you'll never get another dime from me. Shame on you for contributing to rape culture in such a disgusting way."

(Sauza is the parent company of Hornitos, the Hornitos website has a contact us link but when you click it, nothing happens.)

Please speak up against this kind of "edgy" advertising. We can end rape culture, but it takes all of us to do it. Let companies know this sort of thing will not be tolerated.

Sharing the goodness

I've been using groupon a bit lately, it's a good way to save money and still get to go out for dinner and stuff, which we've had to curtail recently. This gets us the occasional cheap date. I have a couple for gateway clipper cruises sitting in my groupon account waiting for good weather and time, and I've got one for coffee or tea waiting for me to get a chance to the appropriate store. I nice thing about it is they're usually good for six months or so. You can stockpile a few and when you feel like a treat, go to your groupon account and there they are. Increasingly, merchants are letting you use them via your smartphone, which is a cool use of tech, too.

I had a bad experience with one merchant, out of state, obviously not considering the number of people who would buy the deal, which was $35 for $70 worth of organic meat. I placed an order for over $150 worth of food. It took forever to get the order, more than six weeks, and when it arrived, it was incomplete. They did not communicate well and some of the staff were rude and unhelpful. I called Groupon today and they immediately refunded my original purchase price of $35 with no argument whatsoever. It was nice to be able to walk away from the experience with at least some satisfaction. So I recommend them. If you want to try Groupon, and want to help me out too, I get a ten dollar credit if you buy one using this link,

http://www.groupon.com/r/uu22619728

Easter came and went. Younger daughter came into town for the weekend, bringing her classroom guinea pig, Miss Piggy.



Very cute critter. I loved her little mohawk, and she made the cutest noises.



They went back to Tennessee way too fast.

Not much else going on. I spun all the yarn for the knitalong I mentioned previously, probably 1400 yards or so of fingering weight in a lovely variable mauve color. My "plying wheel", my Babe fiberstarter, broke a treadle, so I had to go through all kinds of nonsense getting the yarn plied as I only have three bobbins for the Kromski wheel and they were all taken up with singles. Ended up making a HUGE plying ball and went from there. Not ideal, but at least it's done.





Bob is working late today and tomorrow so I'm kinda on my own here for a bit. Miss Lily and I are chilling out together and watching TV. I hurt my hands spinning too much over the weekend so I'm not really doing much, a little knitting, some laundry, making ham and bean soup. A good way to spend Monday.

'Cause your eyes, they light the night

Phoebe Snow died this week. She was a singer, a unique, unpretentious, pure vocalist. Nobody sounded like her. Nobody could sound like her. Her voice could not be mistaken for anyone else, and the first note was recognizable as hers, every time.



Phoebe Snow got big on the radio when I was in that place in life between childhood and adulthood, a good kid who wanted to be bad, a bad kid who couldn't figure out how to be good. Finding and fighting the wild girl inside, sometimes letting her win. All these years later, I can't hear her voice without remembering the poignancy of those years, without feeling a little bit of that thrill and that sting again.



I had lost track of her. I knew, vaguely, that she was still around, still making music in small ways. Her life was all about her daughter Valerie, born severely brain damaged. Phoebe chose to care for her child at home and not put her in an institution. This made her career as a musician much less than it would have been, had she chosen another way. I doubt she regretted it. Valerie died in 2007.



From time to time I'd hear her voice in a commercial or in the background of a movie or television show and I'd get that chill and that memory of the potential of my life rolling out in front of me, the future bright and exciting and scary. A flash of the mistakes I made and regretted, and the mistakes I made but was never sorry for making.



There is no voice so evocative, so capable of bringing it all back like hers. Not for me. Her voice was like her, not beautiful, not flashy, not glamorous, but complicated and important and one of a kind and so, so, so much more than met the ear. Ever try to imitate her? It's nearly impossible.

Phoebe had a stroke last year, and had been in a coma since. It's nice to think that she's with her daughter again. And that she has, of course, no regrets.

Throw out the hardware, let's do it right.

Another week or so has come and gone here in Buttercupia. Things go on. Younger daughter will be making the trip in after all, arriving late Friday and leaving Sunday after family dinner. I'll take it, it's better than nothing. She's hoping to get here for a week or so sometime this year, hopefully while we have decent weather, though in Pittsburgh, you never know when that will be. We've been between snow and freezing temperatures and torrential rain and 80 degree heat this past week and a half.

Tiziana is starting another knit-a-long on Ravelry for a new shawl design. I have enough warning ahead that I'm spinning yarn for this one. Out of this fiber.



I'm doing a three ply fingering weight and since the pattern will require under 800 yards of yarn, I should have enough left over for a pair of socks.

Not sure if I ever posted this but I did get pictures of the last knit along shawl when I wore it to the opera.



The tickets were a gift from my mom to us and the opera was Turandot, my favorite opera, despite the many many wrongnesses of the story from a feminist viewpoint. The production from Pittsburgh opera was outstanding and the voices were excellent. As always, the show was a standout for the chorus, and our chorus did us proud. One of the sopranos is a woman I sang with in high school, every time I go to the opera and see her name in the program and see her on stage, I have another opportunity to browbeat myself for screwing up my future, back in my past. Just part of what makes my life fun.

I saw a nurse-practitioner at the Midwife center for a "menopausal issues" checkup earlier this week. It was about the best-case scenario for me for that sort of thing as I have not had my bits checked in over 15 years. They were very nice, listened, were gentle and explained everything. I felt very out of place but they put me at ease pretty much. I was only moderately panicked by the time the actual exam took place and it was over fast. I'm going for a mammogram and a Very Special Sonogram next week, to make sure there is nothing untoward going on before we decide what course of action to take regarding my hormonal dysfunction. I am also getting a blood test to make sure my thyroid is all there and working, since I have family history and symptoms.

We managed to keep the wolves from the door this week with my destash sale and juggling some bills. Bob has found a second job with one of those companies that does inventory in stores after they close, so once he starts getting paid for that, that should also help. I've also paid off two credit union loans in the past month, so my paycheck will get a small amount bigger. Not for long, if the governor has his way, he wants to take back our last raise. The wolves are away for now, at least, though the despair is never far.

Speaking of despair, still no word from daughter #1. I continue to have dreams about her. I really wish that would stop.

I've made a project of photographing old family photos to preserve them electronically. I have a huge bag of them from my mom's collection that I need to go through. I think it's better than scanning, because I can get a higher resolution with my camera, plus use the photo editing program on the high-res images to make them sharper and better. I have some doozies so far.



That's my grandmother, possibly at her wedding. She looks just like my mother, and just like my older daughter.



My favorite ever photo of the girls.



and the moment I knew my older daughter was an artist.

Quick Hit-A bit of a destash

Those of you who know me know that I regard my yarn and fiber stash as an investment against times I may not be able to buy yarn and fiber. That being said, sometimes, things get so lean you have make sacrifices. So I'm having a small destash. If you're on Ravelry, you can find it here.

I may add more to it in the coming days. There are some lovely yarns and fibers there, and all include US shipping.

Think twice, that's my only advice

I spent some time this weekend doing a cheater digital conversion of some of my old photos and I found some bittersweet gems, let me tell you. My kids were some cute little ones. (of course) Younger daughter asked me if I had any old photos of them I could email her, so that's where this all started. I have more, I just have to dig them out and have appropriate weather to take them outside and photograph them. Not today, today is apocalyptic rain and thunderstorms and fit for nothing but ducks and future gardens.

Speaking of future gardens, we went to the Phipps spring flower show this past weekend. Might as well use the membership because we're on a very tight budget from here on out.


As always, the orchids were some of my favorites. There weren't as many daffodils as I expected.

Here's a couple of favorites in case you don't want to sit through the whole slide show.


I really dig the Longfellows.



These colors, ahhh. So pretty.



LOVED these.



And of course, buttercups.

My leg was completely stiff by the time we got home, leaving me in misery and woe for the remainder of the evening. It's still not right, and no matter what I do it doesn't seem to get any better. Very, very frustrating. I feel like things ought to at least be getting somewhat easier but they're not and I'm still totally dead from mid-calf down or so at the end of a work day.

Every part of my life seems to be tinged with sadness any more. I don't know how to change that. I am not sure it can until the situation changes. Probably not a good idea but I did send my older daughter a text message over the weekend letting her know that I miss her and I hope she is well and that I love her. Of course there was no response.

Still knitting, I'm concentrating hard on a cardigan out of lace weight yarn. It's boring, miles and miles of stockinette, but should look good when it's done.



One spinning project I'm concentrating on right now-a BFL/silk blend on my favorite spindle.



It's also a gradient dye job so I carefully split the whole length of the roving in half so I can keep the change consistent, like I did before in the purple to yellow yarn.

One of the spinning groups on Ravelry is having a spin along in April and I want to spin some cashmere for that-I have a two ounce bag of cashmere roving and a two ounce bag of cashmere/silk roving. I thought one ply of each would make a nice yarn. So I'll probably do that too.

Mostly I feel like I'm in a holding pattern and waiting, waiting, waiting. I need to get past this and move along into life more but how. How. My thinking goes circular and I can't get answers to any of my questions, or I only get answers that are mine so are probably not true.

Yellow moon on the rise

Last night's supermoon, not a very good photo, but the best I could do with the sorry-ass tripod I have and not being so great on the manual settings on my camera.



I haven't blogged in almost a month. Where does the time go? Things have not changed much, other than the snow has mostly melted and the shy little flowers are starting to poke heads out of the ground.



There are buds everywhere on bushes and trees.



Spring seems poised just beneath the surface, ready to leap out.

I've finished a couple of knitting projects. First, the Blooming Garden shawl.


I really enjoyed the process of getting the clues week by week and watching the pattern unfold. It was quite challenging but quite rewarding as well.



The pattern, as I mentioned before, was brilliantly written and Tiziana was right there for support and encouragement the whole time, so to her I say Brava, and Grazie!



I also finished the Blue Skies pullover.



And I really, really like it.





I like it so much I'm willing to post a rare photo of myself wearing it because I think it's just that awesome.



I did make some modifications. I'm not sure the designer had actual test knitters in the largest sizes because if I'd done what the pattern said, it would have been open way, way, way lower than I wanted it to be. So I closed the front sooner than the pattern said. I also did the neckline edging as a seed stitch band that matched the edging on the sleeves and bottom. Much better. than the crocheted edging that, judging from what I read on several Ravelry projects, did not lay flat anyway.

So I started another sweater, this time a cardigan.



Doesn't look like much yet but it'll be awesome if it's big enough. It's laceweight yarn on larger needles so I'm hoping it'll be nice and light and floaty.

In spinning, I finished spinning the Corgi Hill Farm batts.



I ended up with a personal record, almost 800 yards of lace weight yarn. No idea what I'm going to do with it yet, for now I'm happy to have finished it. I did the singles on a spindle then plied on the wheel. Considering I started this project on christmas day, it's been rather long term.



The new spinning project is a BFL/tussah silk blend, also from Corgi Hill, on the same spindle, roughly the same weight. I have some of Cosymakes' falkland that I want to spin to a poofy bulky yarn soon too, though.



Won't that make something neat for a little boy?

Personally, things are pretty unchanged. I have new glasses coming. My leg is STILL not right from when I fell in December, and I'm doing battle with an ulcer on the back of it to boot. Not fun. If it doesn't heal soon I'm going to have to go to the doctor. I've been walking more as the weather improves, though, so hopefully the forced circulation from walking will help the healing process. I hate having this half-dead leg, making everything more complicated. Suppose it beats the alternative.

Still no word from my daughter. Every time I think the pain can't get any worse, it does. I thought I saw her driving down our road yesterday, when we were on our way home from dinner. I got almost happy because I thought maybe she came by and left a note, or called, or emailed, or something. But nothing. I continue to have dreams about her. The whole situation is very sad.

Lily is still adjusting well to being an only dog. It's fun watching her personality change as she gets used to her changed role.



Bob's been able to get her out more often so she's starting to lose her winter pudge.



Not her silly, though.